Your addiction is showing.

Two years ago I outed myself as obsessed with food and my body, and eventually named it as a relapse into the bulimia that had plagued me in my late teens and early twenties. My addiction to “healthy”/clean/Paleo eating was obvious to anyone who had cared to look for it from my frequent posts ofRead more

The Privilege of Vulnerability

Life lately has been almost excruciating in it’s vulnerability. Most of that is me. Me and my tendency to say things. Some of it is my general life circumstance and merely being honest about that (addiction, rehab, relapse). I’ve come to think a lot about vulnerability and what it means to embrace it, lean intoRead more

I Present Myself.

I have often said I need to write to live. Thus, it baffles me when I go periods of time with my laptop shut down, in semi-conscious denial that my mind, heart, and soul inevitably follow. I don’t write for many reasons. Time. Energy or drive. Lack of content. Overwhelm of content. Appropriateness. Secrets. SecretsRead more

Rehab Update #1: Rehab is Not Vacation

Today is Day Six in what I’m now affectionately calling “spa-rehab”. Saturday, April 15th. In the sky, Venus stationed direct in conjunction with Chiron. Chiron is the wounded healer. Take from that what you will. What I would say about rehab is that it is surreal. The stunning facility. The hippy-dippy therapeutic approach. The ultra-organic,Read more

Why I can tell my boss I have a drinking problem and am going to rehab.

Short answer: I’m white. Medium answer: I’m white and White Supremacy is real. Also, federal job protections. Long Answer: I’m white, married to a man, middle class appearing, attractive by general societal standards, and able-bodied unless I open my mouth and tell you I’ve got a host of mental health challenges that could be consideredRead more

Struggling at the Intersection Between Mental Health and Addiction

I was diagnosed a depressed bulimic when I was sixteen. I was diagnosed a cocaine addict when I was nineteen. I’ve lived in the intersection between my mental health challenges and my addictive tendencies for thirteen years. It’s been anything but easy. At first, the hardest part was that I so obviously used drugs andRead more

Sobriety: Day Nineteen

I’m starting to hate the word sober. I’m not sure it accurately represents what I’m going for here. I’m not sure it doesn’t imply something inaccurate about where I’ve recently been. I’ve been nowhere especially terrible. I’ve experienced something different than overdue consequences and bone-deep desperation. And yet. Sobriety. The state of being sober. ItRead more

On Drinking and Belonging.

I didn’t drink in high school. I was lucky enough to have friends that didn’t really either. You might think that was a testament to the way my parents raised me, or the Sunday School classes I came up through. Maybe. I think I didn’t drink because the opportunity never presented itself. I never feltRead more

Trauma Tour 2015

(9.17.15) I’m sitting in this weird hotel room in Lynnwood, WA. The suburbs north of Seattle. Where I started the phase of my life that changed everything. Where I fled when the life I knew for nearly twenty years almost killed me. My dad drove me up to the treatment center and associated house forRead more

Sobriety: A Long-Term Disability (Part V)

This is the fifth post in a five-part series discussing addiction, recovery [relapse], and long-term sobriety. As I celebrate five substance-free years, I am taking the time to [publicly] look back at where I really was in the months preceding my “clean date”, how I got to where I am now, and the ongoing implicationsRead more